"Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" Review **SPOILERS**

My Rating Scale:
* = AWFUL
** = Pretty bad
*** = Not great, but still worth seeing
**** = Memorable, really good
***** = FANTASTIC

"Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"
Story ***
Characters *****
Performance ****
Standing As A Sequel **
Overall Rating ***

PoTC 4 is easily the worst in the series. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it -- I did -- but in comparison with the other movies, "The Curse of The Black Pearl" especially, it pales. A lot.

Part of it was, of course, the gaping absence of William Turner and Elizabeth Swann, both of whom are much beloved characters from the original three movies. Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp), the unquestioned favorite character, remained. It was nice to see a movie that focuses just on Jack... Except it didn't just focus on Jack.

The movie was billed to us as a sort of spin-off story, a movie that closes off Jack's story the same way Will's and Elizabeth's were closed off. Jack would finally get a love interest (played by Penelope Cruz), would reach the Fountain of Youth and make a decision, either to live forever or to be content with the life he was given, and then sail off into the sunset with his girlfriend beside him as epic music played us into the credits. And the series would be over. Much-loved and stretched to the breaking point, but unquestionably over.

But no. Not only does Jack not actually get the girl (he gets her, but leaves her on an island -- why? Don't ask me), he does not sail off into the sunset. The movie ends with him making plans to retrieve his ship, and we are left on a cliff-hanger, and we leave the theater knowing that there will be another sequel, and we will have to come back and watch it, because we love Jack too much not to come back.

Not only that, but the movie gives us yet another side-romance, this time between a very handsome missionary and a mermaid. I know how weird that sentence sounds. Try typing it. Philip Swift (played by Sam Claflin) is a missionary who is taken captive by Blackbeard (played by Ian McShane) during a raid on his village, rather than killed, because Blackbeard wants someone to put in a good word for him with God. So tying the "someone" to the mast is definitely a good way to make sure that the word he gives God is actually good.

One of the problems I had with this movie was that Philip's name was mentioned about twice throughout the whole film. My friends and I still think of him as "that cute missionary dude", because for the longest time we had no idea what his name was. And then there was the matter of his love story.

Why, oh, why, must movie-makers persist in creating romances for every handsome guy in their films? They seem to work by the rule "He is handsome: Therefore he must have a girlfriend and not die". Philip is badly wounded, but I didn't feel any tension. I knew he would live, because he's good-looking. And guess what? He lived.

His romance with the mermaid Syrena (played by Astrid Berges-Frisbey) is pretty sweet. He sees her, thinks she's pretty, and rather than kill her gets her captured by Blackbeard's men, and then takes care of her as they march her to the ritual grounds; they need one of her tears to successfully drink from the Fountain of Youth. Then, when she is left to die and he is wounded, he frees her and she heals him, and then they swim off into the distance to live what I assume is happily ever after. The love story itself didn't bother me -- it was the fact that the movie-makers thought it was necessary. Rather than, I don't know, give us a male character with some depth all his own that isn't defined by a girl, with some real character development that isn't driven by a girl, they gave us a male character whose story is entirely defined by a girl. Honestly, he wasn't there to pray for Blackbeard. He was there to fall in love. Other than that, his character made no impact on the actual story. He was unnecessary, had about three minutes of dialogue with the main characters, and took his shirt off. That seems to be a very popular thing to do among handsome male characters these days. At least when Jack Sparrow did it it was funny, because there were about fifty half-naked Jacks running around a ship making animal noises.

Now, I actually did like Philip as a character. Had he been given some real character development, he would have been excellent. Sam Claflin performed him very well, his faith in God was evident, and he seemed like a really great guy. Unfortunately, the only time I saw him show his great-guy-ness was when he was around Syrena, and once when he tried to stop Blackbeard from murdering somebody.

This brings us to Syrena. She was captured by the crew to use one of her tears for the Fountain of Youth, fell in love with Philip (you know how I feel about that) and... Yeah, that's pretty much it. Like Philip, she had very little character development. Mostly she stares at people. What really bugs me about this is that she really had the potential to be a great character. When we first meet her, she saves Philip from a falling, flaming log. Clearly she has good qualities. But, like Philip, she is entirely defined by her romance. She does matter to the story, as her tears are needed, but she might as well have been a prop for all the impact she makes on it.

The main story, however, does manage to hold up. Geoffrey Rush returns as Barbossa, now one-legged and uglier than ever, on a quest for revenge against Blackbeard. The latter apparently attacked and sunk his ship, tried to kill Barbossa by bringing the ship to life, wrapping a rope around Barbossa's ankle, and trying to pull him down to the bottom. Barbossa, desperate to live, severed his own leg and vowed vengeance. Jack actually ends up helping him. The best scene in the movie takes place when Jack and Barbossa are both captured by I don't remember who, and discuss their plans. It sounds boring, but it isn't.

Meanwhile, Jack has his own romance going with Penelope Cruz, Blackbeard's daughter Angelica, which unfortunately goes unfulfilled. I really wanted him to get the girl; he certainly deserved it, after having his heart broken by Elizabeth again... and again... and again... But, Jack being Jack, and Jack being unpredictable, he saves her life and then maroons her on an island. Poor Penelope. How sexist of him.

In the end, Blackbeard dies, Barbossa gets his revenge, the missionary and the mermaid swim off into the ocean, and Jack's is, once again, the only story that goes unresolved.

This could have been a fantastic movie. It had the potential. But it just didn't try. Was it awful? Absolutely not. Was it fantastic? Absolutely not. Was it memorable? Sometimes. Is it worth seeing? Yes. The scenery is beautiful, the acting is great, there are both moments of poignancy and moments of great humour, and there are times when all you can do is laugh and say, "There's the Jack we know and love". Because he's there, and we do love him, and in a year or so we'll all head back to the theater to see PoTC 5, because he deserves it, even if the side characters and/or movie-makers don't.

So, to be prepared, we shall need a goat, a man who plays the trumpet, and someone to stand off to the side and do THIS.

You know a man who owns a goat...

Good. You can play the trumpet and I shall stand off to the side and do THIS.

Savvy?